I obviously prefer choice a), no way I'm going to start dating someone seriously and jeopardize the China trip. I like Kim, but I wouldn't be able to fall in love with her when I have selfish me on my mind. (By that, I mean I would choose a carefree voyage around the world over a serious relationship with anyone at this point in my life.)
I don't know why I feel bad today - I didn't lie to her about my intentions from the start, I was very clear about my move to China and my lack of interest in getting really serious in a relationship. She joked once that all the guys she dated said they loved her within a few weeks, and I just laughed - maybe she didn't realize that me laughing was probably a very big indication that I wasn't going to get very attached. And I didn't - and from a few of the things she said last night, I think she did.
Anyway, I think I mostly feel bad because I let her walk out last night with things slightly unresolved. I would have been smarter to just give her a good ol' fashioned "heave ho" than to try to talk things out and make her gently realize that I wasn't looking for the same thing as her. Instead of attempting to talk things out and find some common ground, I need to learn to just shoot the dying horse, you know?
I'm just not very good at giving someone a good ol' "heave ho" ... last time I flat-out dumped a girl, it was Natalia... and my little sister still laughs about that today. (She was at the same dance ... and saw Natalia just bust into tears and run out while I stood there, middle of the dance floor, all embarrassed but slightly chuckling at the situation.)
It's official: I don't feel the same emotions as other people. Last night, Kim was crying and all I felt was sympathy for her - I wanted to make her stop crying, but I wasn't feeling sad myself in the least. I guess that's a very bad sign when you're dating somebody. It's pretty rare for me to feel genuinely sad about something, though ... I can only think of one time since Amy that I was really SAD.
And Chad, you emailed me saying, "GO goddammit!" Hahaha, no worries hombre, I'm definitely going. Natalie Portman herself could slut-it-up on my doorstep with a teddy and an engagement ring, and I'd send her packing. That's how committed I am to traveling the world while I'm young and unattached. SB for life, you sucker! :)
I can't believe Kim and I even got to the point that we did - I thought I had my defenses up, and I thought I had made it clear that she should also have her defenses up - but I just saw something in her that I really liked... something that I guess I'll take note of and look for in people later in the future. I'm learning a lot from all these little relationships I end up having for strange reasons.
Ah well, life in general is pretty good still. Too bad about Kim, but come on, who reads this diary and DIDN'T see that one coming? If you didn't predict that, then let me just say, "Hi, my name is Nathan, have we met??"
Well, in other news, I'm looking at a 13 1/2 month contract teaching in China - that would start me in July and see me through to the next September. I'd be making around 6500 RMB / month, I'd get a free apartment, and I would be working about 25 hours / week. I would get about 2 full weeks off for official Chinese holidays, and 14 days of paid vacation that I could take at my leisure. When I finished the contract, I would get a $1,250 bonus (American dollars) and the school provides health insurance for all their teachers. The school has branches in about 20 different cities, so I'm currently researching which specific city I'd most like to apply to.
So far, Dalian and Kunming are looking very attractive! Dalian is on the coast near Beijing, has a moderately warm climate, tons of rain, and is very pollution-free (for China). Kunming is pretty far inland in the southwestern area of China, it's at 6500 ft. altitude, and the average temperature ranges from 50 F (January) to 80 F (July) ... also, tons of rain... 10 inches / month average in summer! I still have a few cities to research, though, so maybe I'll find another, too.
Learning Chinese is going well, too... I've come a long way! I just get a little frustrated trying to learn it here because I only get 1 hour / day of Chinese. I can learn a LOT faster when I'm immersed. (That's how portuguese was ... 3 months and I'm semi fluent!) Hopefully at the end of my 13 month contract, I'll be able to converse on the street like a normal person in Chinese. That's my goal!
I weight 161 pounds today. YES! I'm no longer a 90-pound weakling. On Monday, I benched my own weight. I don't look much different with my shirt off, but I definitely feel a lot better. Exercise is amazing - I wish I could convince my Mom to work out everyday, it would do wonders for her depression!
Ok, I just got a "vital" email with some crap that needs done ... otherwise, work today is very slow-paced and nice. (Hence the diary update.) Soo I'd better hop to it!